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TheGamechanger
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Age 29, Male

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Additional Evil Overlord Vows Cellblock A Part 2

Posted by TheGamechanger - June 22nd, 2015


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81. If I hear a suspicious sound coming from somewhere in my fortress or just outside my camp, I will send out three henchmen to investigate: one in the direction from which the sound was coming, two in the opposite direction.

82. If I do not get updated on the situation within a reasonable timeframe, I will have the area under heavy guard, with powerful weapons prepared in case of sudden hero encounters.

83. I will build more hospitals. The doctors and medics will treat soldiers first, and civilians second. This means I'll lose less soldiers, civilians will have more incentive to join my forces, and my subjects will be far more loyal. It isn't evil in nature, but it allows me to further my evil cause(s) more easily.

84. I will make the first Friday of every month "Funny Hat Day". Not only will it raise morale of my Legions of Evil but the hero will think twice about posing as one of them when they have to wear a hat made out of fake fruit.

85. I will observe the hero and their potential love interest. Should there be any possibly belligerent and unresolved sexual tension, I will plan to vilify the hero to their love interest. These tactics will be subtle so that they don't find out and become a couple with the power of love.

86. I will consider the pros of being a black, gay, Jewish woman. Such as being able to paint the hero and his companions as sexist, racist, homophobic anti-Semites.

87. I will not hire a busty bombshell as my second in command. They may be aesthetically pleasing, but I shouldn't be choosing someone based solely on appearance rather than merit.

88. The borders of my realm will be well guarded with checkpoints and preferably a 50+ feet high wall with motion sensors. Said sensors will be linked to a number of machine guns. Any outage in the motion sensor grid will be treated as an emergency.

89. Incentives will be offered should someone find a legitimate flaw in the security system, be it from a minion or civilian.

90. Should the hero somehow enter my realm, I will NOT allow him and his party to carry on while I plot his demise. He shall instead be greeted by an airstrike.

91. I will find alternate means of dealing with any enemy who would become more powerful if killed.

92. I will make certain that my squad of superpowered evil minions aren't particularly weak to each others' powers. While this can be useful in containing rebellion, there are many power-assimilating heroes out there. Alternately, I will pair each minion with the counterpart that strengthens/heals them.

93. If the super-empowering substance I possess has a possibility of horrible side effects, I will neither force a minion to take it, nor try it myself. I will instead wait for version 2.0.

94. As an alternative to Rule #167, I will hire both the programmer and the kid and make sure that they work as a team. Not only will their combined ideas increase my computer systems' security, but the hero will have to man the keyboard himself.

95. I will hire a complete lunatic as one of my advisers, but the first idea that he has to defeat any of my enemies will be treated as a last resort. If unsuccessful, he will be dealt with in a manner that will ensure that he can never help the hero (even by accident) in any way.

96. An alternative to Rule #2: I will keep the air vents large, because crawling through there makes a lot of noise; so when the hero tries to escape, I can just have my men shoot at the sound. Also realistically, the air ducts will simply break under his weight, providing amusement as he tries to spy on my plans.

97. Another alternative to Rule #2: I will keep the insides of my air vents at lethal temperature extremes. This function will only be disabled when they must be repaired and I will check the identity of the repairman.

98. I will not wear my badass sunglasses at night. While they do look awesome, they will impair my vision though. Unless I'm working on something brightly lit for my evil plans, I have demonic glowing cat eyes that allow me to see in such darkness, I'm confronting someone who can mesmerize me by eye contact, and/or I'm in Alaska or Antarctica around the time of year when the sun is out all the time.

99. My motives will always appear to be sympathetic. The reason is simple. If the hero thinks that I'm just misguided, they'll try to talk me out of whatever I'm doing, instead of constantly trying to kill me.

100. I must never underestimate any hero. I will always assume they're a threat, even if they're stupid/silly/naive/dead. And I will expect my underlings to assume the same.

101. I will assume the hero is genre savvy, even if he has been shown to be an idiot hero as that could just be a ruse to make me feel too secure in my victory.

102. If my opponent really is an idiot hero, then they will have an intelligent but cold ally that the hero will rarely listen to. I will kill this person before the hero can teach them about instinct and friendship, since after they learn about that, they will become a realistic threat to my plans.

103. Before my rise to glory, I will kill all of my past mentors/teachers and replace them in their schools with substitutes and explain that said mentor/teacher went abroad to study. I will also make sure to silence all witnesses.

104. I will leave various communicators laying in the ground where ever I go that ring any theme tunes associated with me when they sense the vibrations of people's footsteps. If answered, it will explode.

105. If behind an unbreakable force field with my enemy trying to get in, I will also pay attention to all other degrees of vision. Chances are my unbreakable force field is, on the contrary, breakable, and it just so happens something ready to break it is nearby.

106. Should time travel become available, I shall send a team to my parents when I am an infant, and proclaim a fake prophecy that I am a chosen one. They will also launch a propaganda campaign about my false prophecy, scoring publicity and making my path to power easier.

107. Another time travel team will be sent to the pasts of any heroes and other enemies, where they will use any means possible to ensure that they won't grow up to become a threat to me. Whether this involves killing them, or covertly changing their lives will depend on what's more convenient.

108. But when using time travel, I will make sure that what I am doing will not cause undesirable consequences or a time paradox. If I cannot be absolutely sure of that, no matter how tempting it may be, I will not use time travel at all.

109. I won't trust people who constantly change sides. They are just as untrustworthy as they are (un)predictable.

110. My secret password will not be something ridiculously easy, such as 1-2-3-4-5. It's too obvious and the hero will probably try that option, if only to get it out of the way.

111. I will consider using improvised weaponry.

112. If the hero wishes to try and disengage the main generator he will have to enter a chamber that is flooded with radiation. The radiation will only be vented with my expressed permission.

113. When my henchman says, "No one could've survived that fall," I will reply, "Why don't you find out," and push him over after the hero.

114. I will maintain a healthy sense of humor about all aspects of my life. Then, if the hero attempts to goad me into making a rash mistake by mentioning something that might be a sore topic for me, I will simply laugh, say "You got me there!" and shoot him. Between the eyes. Twice.

115. My lieutenants will be expected to have read Sun Tzu's The Art of War and The Thirty-Six Stratagems. But of course they should have plenty of field experience, as ruperts that learned all they know from books tend to think everything goes exactly as planned.

116. If I'm fighting a hero whose family, friends, or loved ones I murdered, I will not taunt them by telling them "So-and-so begged me to spare his/her life". That's more than just flirting with death, that's raping him.

117. None of my officers will be professional tennis players.

118. My Legion of Doom will never go out into battle with money or valuables in their possession, especially if they have a knack for dropping all of this when they die.

119. If my Legions of Doom manage to put one of the heroes in a state where he attacks his allies rather than them, they will be instructed not to attack said hero until all his friends are dead or he is no longer in said state. The same thing goes for if they manage to render one of them unconscious.

120. I will make use of a suit of animated armor or other robotic double, while I am somewhere else - preferably a bunker in the ass-end of Siberia or some other hellishly inhospitable place that would take a massive amount of preparation to get to.

121. Before I order the death of someone trying to reveal my dark secret, I will first consider the the level of deniability I have. If the revelation will only be believed by crazy conspiracy theorists, it would actually work to my advantage. However if the person planning to do this is the Hero, I will have them killed immediately, as they will inevitably get their hands on the evidence.

122. For similar reasons, if practical I will actively try to make myself one of the stock villains of crazy conspiracy theorists. Somebody planning to control the world will find that the perfect hiding place is within the Freemasons or Catholic Church.

123. Remember, boys and girls, there's no shame in the groin attack. You are a bad guy, after all, nobody expects you to play fair.

124. If my opponent starts to ramble on or transform, I won't just stand there stupidly and wait for them to finish. I will shoot them while they're still vulnerable.

125. I will never harm the loved ones of a hero I underestimate and leave the hero free. They will prove to be fanatically loyal and very dangerous, and will embark on a roaring rampage of revenge against me. No matter how much I underestimate the hero I will kill him first, then kill all of his relations right afterwards, just in case he is the wrong hero.

126. My Legions of Doom will not use melee weapons if there are there are plenty of firearms lying around, especially if the hero is using guns without mercy. It's just dumb and suicidal otherwise.

127. I will place political prisoners in the same cell blocks as regular criminals. That way if the hero decides to start releasing inmates indiscriminately, I can go on TV and publicly demand to know why he thought it was a good idea to put serial killers and multiple rapists back on the streets.

128. I will also hire several assassins, equip them with poison daggers, and have them masquerade as prisoners. When the hero shows up to throw open the doors of the prison, their job will be to discretely stab him/her on the way out.

129. I will not allow minions to strap explosives onto themselves for when things go south. This just leads to trouble when I'm trying to execute them, and makes them more vulnerable.

130. If I decide to destroy an entire town, I will remember to kill any children who would grow up to seek revenge against me.

131. If the hero gives me a box that he claims contains an object I really want, I'll make sure the box isn't empty before I let him go.

132. If I make a bargain with anyone, I will do my best to actually hold up my end; lest it come back to bite me in the ass later. They only time I will backstab anyone is if I can kill everyone involved who could conceivably get back at me.

133. All minions (or at least as many as is practical) will be required to know basic first aid.

134. I will be an equal opportunity employer.

135. I will not give away my backstory or plans for world domination to the heroes. They can either figure them out on their own or die trying. I have a country/megacorp to run, I have no time to give exposition.

136. If my evil plan involves an ancient artifact of great power, I will take the time to study all information about it; If granting the hero a weapon capable of defeating me is the only way to obtain the artifact, I will pass it up for another artifact of similar power. In addition, I will look for an artifact that comes in one piece instead of several.

137. Before sending demonic shapeshifters to infiltrate the enemy, I will make sure that no animals or children are able to see through their disguises. They will also be trained to refrain from any kind of nonhuman behavior.

138. If I am an attractive female overlord, I will dye my hair red before encountering the hero, if it isn't already red. Heroes want redheads, after all, so I can distract him long enough for me to kill him.

139. If I am an attractive male overlord, I will merely open my jumpsuit during such an encounter for the same effect.

140. I will use holographic doubles for traps and ambushes.

141. I will make sure that any invisibility devices do not stop working at awkward times.

142. If I am female, then I should not overuse the privilege of claiming the hero is "misogynistic", and under no means will I objectify myself.

143. Minions will be able to gang up on enemies and attack relentlessly, and not sit around waiting their turn to fight.

144. If the hero falls over, the minions will shank the SOB. He'd get them if they fell down, so why be so fucking nice?

145. Robots will have their battery packs securely fastened at all times, and electrified. That way, if someone tries to swipe the power core, they just hurt themselves.

146. Robots will not be linked to a central computer. Instead, they will operate on a hive mind with me at the center. Rather than shutting down if I bite it, they will go into Revenge Mode.

147. I will play creepy music when my most horrifically disfigured minions attack the hero, as well as flood the corridor with hallucinogens. That way, I only need to play the song to reduce him to a gibbering wreck.

148. I will not use an ominously evil tower. Ostentatious lairs are what get stupid overlords killed.

149. Combat uniforms will have no eye-catching colors, regardless of how good red-on-black or florescent green on black looks. Camouflage was invented for a reason.

150. I will not have any bases that are underwater. The potential disaster would be far deadlier than the destruction of a normal fortress.

151. I will run thorough background checks on anyone applying to join my security forces, and root out any possible spies.

152. I will not use an army of the living dead. Zombies are far more trouble than they're worth, unless their curse isn't contagious, and I can keep them under my full control.

153. I will not use minions who desert, defect, or out-and-out panic when their leader dies. If my soldiers can't be loyal in the first place, putting them under control of a slave driver is just going to make trouble.

154. As an alternative to Rule #67, should we have a security system that shorts out so often that my guards begin to become jaded to it, I will inquire after something more robust.

155. If I wear a supervillain cape, it will be easily detachable so it won't cause any deadly accidents.

156. If an underling ever asks why I don't simply shoot the hero there and then, and I don't have reasonable answer, they may be right and shall be rewarded. But only after I simply shoot the hero, should it be possible to do that very soon.

157. If I learned that hero was raised in a certain orphanage that he still considers home, I will not send my legion to run it down. Instead, I will "offer" to fund the place and reorganize it - using my catchy theme song as the orphanage's anthem is the very first step.

158. I will never assume that the hero is incapable of winning, as this is something they're known for doing (with some occasional exceptions aside). I won't underestimate how a combination of their bravery and determination along with sheer dumb luck will often allow them to triumph.

159. If possible, I will avoid having me and my forces engage the hero in direct combat, as this usually won't end well. Whenever circumstances permit, I'll focus my efforts on assassinating the hero in as secretive and unexpected a manner as possible.

160. It has been scientifically proven that nothing good can come out of leaving a hero alive for as long as possible. Any options for needless conversation or trying to take him prisoner will be thrown out, he will be killed immediately as soon as he becomes vulnerable.

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