1. I will allow my henchmen to submit suggestions for possible weapon upgrades. Being on the field, they'll know what we need, and there's no sense letting the heroes exploit the same weakness over and over again.
2. If my evil plans involve immersing myself in the lifestream, I will first dip a toe in to see what happens. I will also wait an hour after eating to enter.
3. Female minions will be given more protective equipment than metal lingerie. Why that's necessary is detailed here.
4. Failure will be punished by demotion and a round of brainwashing, rather than summary execution. Dead minions can't fight. Besides, brainwashing is fun!
5. When assembling teams, I will go through everyone's backstories to check for possible sources of conflict. If one of the potential members happens to blame another for the tragedy that ruined his life, they do not work together.
6. I will make it clear that anyone caught browsing a dirty magazine, playing a video game, talking on his mobile phone, or napping while on duty will be fired. Out of a cannon. Negligence is what allows heroes to slip in.
7. I will have guards trained to recognize moving bushes and cardboard boxes.
8. I will not use radiation or any radioactive materials in my lair; it is expensive enough to make specialized suits to resist radiation from Material X.
9. I will make sure factory by-products and mine tailings are properly disposed of. Living in the middle of Mordor, while great for atmosphere (figuratively of course), just screams "He's fuckin' evil!!!".
10. If I am running a minor dictatorship, I will not challenge a military superpower that could crush me easily.
11. If the idiot ball is a physical object, I will take steps to weaponize it. I will also take steps to contain the weapons-grade stupidity seeping out of the weapon. It just won't do to have minions forget that the skinny end is the one that hurts (or you keep the ring and throw the ball).
12. Whenever I temporarily leave my palace, I will make sure to put someone competent, but not too ambitious on the throne in my absence. I will make it clear that I'm coming home, and the kingdom is on loan, not a gift. And if he fucks it up, I'll fuck him up.
13. If I am ever bottled, I will ensure that I am either unconscious or have some kind of entertainment. Also, if someone has released me demanding power, I will not kill them immediately, instead I will use their knowledge of the new time period, and give them a high position when I regain my authority.
14. If I am dying and I wish to continue my plot by digitizing my mind, the supercomputer better have access to the Internet or video games so I will not be bored in my confinement to a machine, and I can create a copy or escape elsewhere.
15. If I have to create a computer virus, I will also create an anti-malware program to circumvent the use of it on my own machinery.
16. Chimeras are a no go, even though it may seem interesting to mix and match creatures and play with life in general, they are still beasts and highly unpredictable.
17. If it becomes necessary to escape from my base when it's under attack, I will have my troops yell out sentences like "Prepare the escape pods", "Power up the teleport", or "Unlock that elevator to the center of the Earth". While they do this, I will silently walk out through the fire exit.
18. I will study the hero's abilities and use training, magic, or science to create henchmen who are able to counter certain attacks or have superpowers of their own. That way, I will have minions that are not only immune (or at the very least resistant) to the hero's attacks, but ones that will use the hero's own tricks against them as well.
19. If the hero is adept at stealth, improvisation, or acrobatics, I will force them to fight in an open and barren field.
20. I shall use emotionless, non-humanlike robots against heroes who use fear, social engineering, or psychological tactics.
21. To handle those frustrating stealthy heroes, I will construct the interior of my fortress out of a kind of durable yet extremely creaky wood (covered in fireproof paint, of course).
22. I will remember that long-range artillery and high-altitude bombers are a good part of any evil army and stock up. That way, I have the option to kill the hero in a massive area bombardment, rather than only sending infantry that will probably get slaughtered, or helicopters and tanks which can be hijacked.
23. I will regularly go on hunting trips and kill animals and monsters that are manageable within my current level of personal combat prowess. Not only will I get to broaden my horizons by doing something other than being an evil overlord, but I will get an influx of experience.
24. I will not use a door-lock system that deactivates when the hero kills everyone in the room. Instead, when s/he kills the last person, the room will collapse and/or become a vacuum.
25. I will make all my minions pass psych eval and IQ tests. Idiot minions generally forget orders, and respond to such orders as "Kill her" or "Strap him down" with "But datz mean, boss!". Insane minions will only be allowed if they're of the amusingly mad type, and kept the fuck away from anyone or anything important.
26. I will not give my favorite/firstborn kid a cool theme name like "Mordryd" and my other kids throwaway names like "Jimmy". Given the amount of bickering evil children are prone to, Mordryd's probably gonna get a pen in the eye and the minions are gonna have to learn how to serve a guy named "Lord Jimmy" with a straight face.
27. I will make sure to keep my priorities in order: preserving my life and safety, maintaining my reign of terror, conducting my evil plans, and defeating the hero.
28. I call them "mooks", but really, they should all be highly-trained badasses.
29. Access to any important area of the base will require at least one of the following: a full palm scan, retinal scan, key card, voice recognition, or a 9-digit password. The scanners will be programmed to tell if someone is dead, in case the hero tries to carry a corpse to the scanner.
30. I will make sure that any mercenaries or bounty hunters I hire do not have any odd quirks to get in the way of their objectives. Nothing is more disappointing than learning that they didn't do their job because there was a wounded animal nearby and he "had to nurse the poor thing back to health".
31. Alternatively, I will offer a bounty to any henchman who captures the Hero. The bounty will be offered to all who assist in this capture. I will however, pay in goods other than cold hard cash, to prevent inflation.
32. If I must offer a bounty, I will spread it evenly among the henchmen should one find him, as well as giving them a greater reward than a civilian. This has the added benefit of being a great campaign for henchmanship, increasing my evil army.
33. Or, I will tell my henchmen that once the hero is dead before me, they will all get a bonus this year. This will prevent the potential of squabbling and fighting each other for the rewards while ensuring they don't try and skimp me on the killing him part.
34. If I offer to pay someone, I will keep the vow, and I won't kill them once they are no longer useful.
35. If my R&D team invents a bomb that can't be defused, I will get them to develop an ICBM that can't be re-targeted.
36. My fortress will have background music playing at all times. When the alarm rings and combat begins, a rock or metal soundtrack will play.
37. I will keep all new weapons top-secret until I develop counter-measures against them.
38. If I am accountable to a superior, and I have failed him, I will not blame my failure on my minions or colleagues, nor will I ask for a paycheck or a raise. This often leads to my execution, as a common trait of traitors is that they care more about themselves than their employer. I will instead take full responsibility for my failure.
39. If one lone scientist warns me that my latest plan will unleash horrifying forces upon me, I will put him on my top advisory committee instead of trying to discredit him.
40. Rather than trying to fulfill prophecies, I will stay the hell away from them!
41. Given a choice between killing a specific high-ranking enemy with a 30 megaton ICBM, and a gun, I'd choose the gun. It does put me in danger, but it's the only way to bypass his plot armor.
42. Unless I am sure that there's a long lost moral to the story, I will refrain from pointing out any contradictions, grey areas, or other weaknesses in the hero's moral code. Odds are that the author put more thought into rebutting my complaints than the complaints themselves.
43. If my death will trigger whatever nonsensical force causes my evil lair to collapse, I will make sure this also applies with all imperial public structures such as aqueducts and mine shafts (just like my lair, I built most of them anyway). And I will remind the heroes that killing me will mean years of drought and mineral shortage to millions of people.
44. Better yet, in addition to the above, I will have a doomsday device that detonates upon my death. This will make it far more difficult to defeat me.
45. If the hero has a particularly gentle, nice, and sweet companion, I will not torture or otherwise provoke him/her. I will, however, attempt to keep some genuinely nice, gentle people around who are loyal to me personally.
46. The first thing that my Legions of Terror learn as part of their training will be that standing perfectly still and out in the open during a firefight is not going to help their life expectancy. Cover exists for a reason!
47. If body armor cannot protect my minions, I won't issue it. What's the point?
48. If I manage to capture one of the heroes, I'll figure out what kind of weakness allowed me to capture this one at first. Then perform other methods like psychic interrogation, DNA scanning and computer simulations for further discovery on their weaknesses and abilities. This data will then be present at the next advisers meeting for analysis and exploiting it.
49. I will have minions search out every weapon merchant in the land and either employ him or buy out all his stocks. With any luck the heroes will have no access to equipment above the starters.
50. I will refrain from using the standard supervillain insults. "Imbecile" and "You fool", lower minion self-esteem, and while they get the point across, are cliche.
51. If I have other means to gain control of the kingdom than to force a princess to marry me, I'll go with this plan instead. Also, I'll make sure to remember that "princess" is not synonym to "first beauty in the country" or to "perfect wife for evil lord."
52. A backstabbing wife can be dangerous to have around, but she can provide necessary training. If I never relax in her company, I'm less likely to relax when the hero comes to assassinate me.
53. I will pretend to care for my minions to keep morale up, but in reality I will be sure that I do not, in any way, care about them. That way, I won't go crazy should they turn against me.
54. If I'm not already batshit insane, I will at least pretend to be so I can plead insanity at my trial (If I get one, hopefully the hero will take pity on a "poor madman" and follow due process).
55. I will have a suggestion box outside my office. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll read anything the mooks stuff in there, but it will raise morale.
56. Mooks will have their libido suppressed to nil while on duty, regardless of gender. My armies are at war, and while we're at it, they cannot be distracted by trivial matters such as sex.
57. If the green rocks my mad scientist team is using in their research causes horrendous mutation or death, but also can be used to do magic, I will make sure to have the devices powered by it be bulletproof and make uniforms insulated against its radiation before having what amounts to little more than a bottle of the stuff and a handful of wires strapped to someone's arm.
58. The architect who designed my dungeon, its traps, and its escape routes is doomed from the moment he signed on. As are any external service personnel I absolutely must hire to provide upgrades, such as the poor sod who put in the central A/C.
59. I will regularly train for combat with my most loyal and skilled henchmen. It's always important to sharpen my abilities, especially if I haven't gotten much personal experience in fighting.
60. I will make myself look as human as possible. While looking demonic, angelic, or animalistic will make me look more intimidating, it will also make it easier for the heroes to kill me if the time comes.
61. I will plan according to my budget. If I do not have the money to design and mass produce the kind of technology required for many of the above precautions or if I don't have the good managers required to supervise my minions and make sure they actually follow protocol at all times, I will try to find a less expensive option and fix what I can.
62. Any idea which crosses my mind which seems to only be there because I think it would be cool, regardless of practicality or good sense will be ignored. Yes, developing bands of minions to act to popular character types would be pretty neat, but I wouldn't want to be distracted from my overall plans by the little things.
63. If a minion or civilian suggests something that is halfway decent, I will give him the credit for a good idea, rather than just stealing it. That way, if it fails, I can finger-point.
64. I will offer top-notch dental and medical benefits, as well as a GI's Grant. Loads of people sign up for that sort of thing.
65. If for whatever reason, I need to talk with the hero while holding him at gunpoint, I will use three highly trained marksmen. One to shoot at him from the front where he expects it, one to shoot him after he dodges the first bullet, and one with a machine gun to completely obliterate the corpse.
66. All weaponry that can overheat and explode in my face will have a temperature-operated failsafe, that will render the weapon completely inoperable if removed or tampered with, except for repairs and upgrades.
67. My doomsday devices will not have a lengthy charge-up time, and will have a countdown timer just for show. They will be ready to use as soon as the hero waltzes into my control room. In addition, the conspicuous "off" button will activate the device immediately.
68. If I take up playing an instrument, I will stay away from the ominous pipe organ.
69. I will frequently pretend stupidity. If the hero is genre savvy, he or she will be afraid and think twice before attacking. If not, I get an easy kill.
70. I will bring recruits into my army by funding their education at my nation's top school, thereby ensuring they are intelligent and capable of quick thinking.
71. I will always value a small force of capable people (read: able to cause more than a few minutes' setback to the hero) over a vast army consisting largely of weaker mooks.
72. I will never wait with renewing whatever it is that sustains my life, but will do it as early and as often as possible.
73. If I must sacrifice a virgin every full moon, then there will be a harem of virgins kept well fed and treated but always prepared in different locations. Holding off the search until the last minute will just make me do something really stupid, like go after the hero's girlfriend merely out of desperation.
74. If my mad scientist creates a bunch of fully sapient monsters, with the emotional capacity for holding grudges, I will make sure that they aren't discriminated against. It would be disastrous if they betrayed me because I let them be treated as sub-human.
75. Any secret agents or otherwise heavily trained soldiers from a distant land will be considered threats to my power.
76. If I have to poison someone's drink, my drink will be a different color than my target's poisoned drink. Or I can use a poison I am already immune to, or barring that, have an anti-toxin ready ahead of schedule. The latter two options prevent the hero from trying to switch them.
77. If I must transform into a monster as a last resort, I will actually test it for combat performance before fighting the hero. If the form ends up hindering me instead, it will not be used.
78. Before I turn myself to the dark side, I'll find out if it does in fact have the overwhelming power that it promises. If it turns out that the greater power will leave me at a huge disadvantage to the forces of good, then I will choose instead some other means to make my reign of evil a reality.
79. I will always remember the motto: "Overkill is good, overconfidence is not." If I kill a hero, I will not relax until I detonate his body to pieces, incinerate the pieces, fling the ashes into outer space (or better, into another dimension), and exorcise the site.
80. Loud alarms in my base are reserved only for when an approaching army is sighted. If a lone enemy is sighted, a silent alarm will be raised and guards will simply patrol (but not appear to notice) the intruder, instead using the patrols to force the enemy into the dungeon, where they will be met with by my Elite Guard.